Nostalgia Nausea

This is from a long time ago (read: 2008) when CampusJunkie.com was still hot and people gave up an arm, a leg and three toenails to get a hold of the extremely lucrative weekly prize of $100. And since the only people who could think that the Dollar is the monetary unit in India are/ were/ will be townies, it had a lot of townie contenders.

Ben Franklin says that you are 'RICH! RICH! RICH!'


Their posts usually revolved around how people who travel in trains ‘smell’ and how dressing up in unbranded clothes branded the non-townies as social pariahs.

Typical burbies, buying perfumes from Dubai-import stores...

Much to the Townies’ chagrin, the burbies (from Andheri and beyond) could read and write AND they had access to the internet too, despite their awful train-travelling habit. Tch. Tch. And so began a turf-war of sorts. Townies kept justifying their existence, the progression of the Aryan race and suchlike; while Burbies kept flaunting their nouveau-riche lifestyles, the awesomeness of train-travelling and how it keeps you in touch with ground reality.

Pictured: Typical townie, wearing an original Hugo-Boss shirt.

In the meanwhile, I was watching from the far-end of the internet spectrum.

The far end of the internet spectrum.

I was watching from New Bombay.
I had to have my say.
This is what I had to say (Copy-pasted shamelessly from my earlier blog):

The townie versus burbie battle has a new contender – The New Bomber.

OH YEAH!!!

Well, as much as I’d like to join this mudslinging charade of an extremely residential nature, I’d like it better to pronounce this little diktat: Townies, Burbies – You’re both wrong.

I am from New Bombay and frankly, I’m not a townie or burbie. Although technically I am a ‘burbie’; it stands for sub-urban, by the way. But tell THAT to the true-blue burbies. An Andheri chick once asked me where I lived. I told her. “But that isn’t a suburb yaa, that’s… just… New Bombay yaa.”
Sure.
They have a nice little yardstick – Anything that’s not on the western line is not a suburb.

Definitely not a suburb.

Here are some sample conversations, for reference.

Act I, Stage Left-Centre

I say: “Okay, I have to go to SIES, Nerul.”
Ignorance Personified says: “Are going to take an AC bus to Pune or a non-AC one?”
I say: “…”

[Note: Townies here, please refrain from understanding this geographical anomaly. I am kidding. Don’t worry, the world is still flat and it still starts from Malabar Hills and ends at the Colaba causeway. With a little bit of America in the middle of course. ]

Act II, Stage Right-Centre
I say: “Seriously, I don’t get it. What is it about town exactly that gives a constant hand-job to your egos? The air stinks, the roads are cluttered, all the streets are one-way, the water is polluted…”
Townie Tina says: “Yeah, but do you have airports?”
I say: “True, I so totally needed an airport in my backyard as I grew up, heck, that explains my messed up childhood… And isn’t the airport in Santacruz – in *clearing throat* the burbs?”
Townie Tina says: “But then, do you have any discs?”
I say: “Plenty. At home. Plenty of movies too. I can write you some.”
Townie Tina shouts: “DISCOTHEQUES!!! CLUBS!!!”
I say: “Oh, hell no! Well there are a few watering holes with music and a dance floor…”
Townie Tina: “Ha! We have MANY!!!”
I say: “Yeah. So New Bombay people are a little less date-raped, your point?”
Townie Tina defends: “We have malls!”
I say: “Namely?”
Townie Tina: “Atria Mall, Inorbit…”
I say: “Now this is why your ignorance goes way beyond just inbreeding for family wills. Update your frickin’ geography! Vashi, where I stay, has five running malls. Vashi is smaller than Churchgate. Do the math. Oh, and we have an Inorbit too, while we’re at the topic…”
Townie Tina says: “But… but we grow up with so many cool things…”
I say: “Like Asthma and hereditary lung-diseases, dyslexia from all the inbreeding.”
Townie Tina says: “But, uh, everyone here speaks English.”
I say: “Yes, I am talking to you in a chaste Swahilian dialect. You have telepathic powers that make you translate everything I say in your mind. Neat powers, TT. Neat powers. *makes clicking noises*”
Townie Tina says: Really? I mean, no! What I’m saying is we’re much more cultured…”
I say: “Says who? The NCPA and the one-armed-bandit from outer-space?”
Townie Tina says: “No! We have a much rooted culture.”
I say: “Now you’re just sounding like a political party right before it vandalises an adult movie…”
Townie Tina says: But then… then… *breaks down* my mom sleeps with our driver, Babloo!”
I say: “Er… There you go! Acceptance is the first step in coping with grief.”
Townie Tina says: “Check out these new shoes I bought yesterday, they’re yellow!”
I say: “…”

Denial is a step backwards.

I rest my case.

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15 Responses to “Nostalgia Nausea”

  1. hahaha.this is funny…..townie vs suburbs

  2. aNil "the non-ganti version" Says:

    that was just awesome….cant tell you how many times i’ve had conversations on the same theme.
    the part where tt says her mom sleeps with their driver babloo “creme de la creme”
    i was rolling on the floor laughing

  3. crazy awesome. I like. 😀

  4. haha! rotflmao! New Bombay is cleaner, greener, saner! And yeah, the best part is we are the intellectual cream!

  5. Duhh…You met a Blond Towniee…lol!! I agree ignorance is there but Generalizing is not right!! 🙂

  6. This is one of the funniest posts I have read. My first time on your blog. Its awesome.
    And btw, I am from the suburbs (always been), and have seen a lifetime of snooty townies. I have lived abroad too, but never seen so much snootiness there. I remember my townie friends would call me ‘gaonwali’. But, I guess I know how people from Thane and beyond feel now.
    And yeah, now you guys are getting an airport too in your backyard! 😀 Rub it in their faces!

  7. Mahafreed Says:

    funny!

  8. bwhahaha !! BURN !!

  9. My god When i cam across your post through @thescarlettgirl i really couldnt help myself from laughing..!Superb and proud to be a navimumbaite

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