Proverbial Bile

Ah, proverbs!

It took me a great deal of time to realise that they were in fact NOT a part of the word class. Ditto with ‘projectives’. All the fallacy-riddled confusion, all the dumb questions raised, all because of that lice-eating, tampon-sucking bastard child of grammar – the effing Pronoun.

Nice try, Pronoun. You jackass.

Wonder how ‘adnoun’ feels about not being an actively used lexical category.

He calls himself Adnoun Sami.

How words feel. Expect a blog on that sometime and some er, ‘plants’ later, because today, kids, we talk about proverbs. Yaaay!

Pictured: A Pro-Verb

So proverbs, things that help you tread the treacherous paths of life, tell you right from wrong at a time when you can’t tell right from left and terrorise the shit out of you in third grade. In the pre-pubescent, pre-porn anarchy that we call our childhood, proverbs are our moral guide, the law of the land and cause of delirious confusion/ stress-induced potty.

Not pictured: Stress-induced potty.

Now that I’ve set the mood, let it be said that proverbs are more steaming than any pile of bullshit that came out of Aesop.

Pictured: Aesop.

I mean whoever said ‘Never judge a book by its cover’ has never seen the cover of a Chetan Bhagat or an Arindam Chaudhari book.

And then discover the hole in your pocket.

Like all things 2.0, proverbs need to be heavily updated, re-edited and photoshopped. So ‘Never judge a book by its cover’ can have apt doppelgangers that make a lot more sense. Some of which being:
Never judge –
1. A Book by its e-book.
2. A Rice by its Meyer.
3. A Batman by its Joel Schumacher.
4. A tailor by his measuring tape.
5. A Taylor by her Kanye.
6. An Avatar by its simplistic storyline.
7. A Ghostrider by its Nicolas Cage.
8. A movie by its Nicolas Cage.
9. Anything by its Nicolas Cage.
10. A LOLcat by its spelling sense.
11. A Deshdrohi by its Jungian archetype.
12. A Blade Runner by its Blade.
13. A couch by its Tom Cruise.
14. A monkey by its monocles.
15. An Indian politician’s sexual virility by his sagging, century-old balls.
16. A Kyoto by its ‘heated’ discussions.
17. A Roxxxy by her buyer. (This one exists strictly for its alliterative quotient.)
18. A paneer by its tofu.
19. An Abdul Kalam by its Pratibha Patil.
20. A Chetan Bhagat book by its sales.

Yes.

Ditto with ‘A rolling stone gather no moss’. What does it really mean? And how is moss a good thing? So if you’re a patient guy, you most definitely have epidermal fungus?

So, good things happen to people who wait? NO! They never get laid, that’s what happens! They never get jobs. They gather cobwebs. They develop terminal flatulence. They get self-inflicted herpes. They get run over by Bandra-ites. All that they do become are waiters. Who wait. Forever. At Udipi restaurants. Something like that.

So, why not ‘An Aerosmith gathers no paternity suits from Liv Tyler’ or ‘A Beatle gathers no LOLrus references’ or ‘A dead Michael Jackson gathers no child-molestation flak’? Why not, I ask?
Think about it.

KTHXBAI.

Now, go watch a looped report about the rampant production of ghee extracted from marsupial bone-marrow that’s also funded by terrorists on India-TV. Or something.

P.S: More ‘updated’ proverbs welcome in the comments section.

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4 Responses to “Proverbial Bile”

  1. Funny stuff 😀 Keep writing mate 🙂

  2. And you win me again with the Chetan Bhagat slam. He’s right do keep writing.

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