Season’s Greetings

It’s Pep. See?

If you’ve been watching this obscure, neverheardof, local spectacle called the IPL, you have surely not missed glimpses of Ranbir Kapoor trying to score Pepsi off supermarkets, dictatators and the like. The current malady he faces is a guild of supervillains challenging him to steal Pepsi from right beneath their noses. Like every guild of supervillains, this one has a boss villian a la Lex Luthor/ Bullaa – only it’s Sanjay Dutt in a giant, red, lobster suit.

Are ya ready kids?

And also, like every supervillain franchise, they have these Rube-Goldberg-ish contraptions that lead the hero to possible peril. In the current ad, dunking the protagonist in water making room for a Houdini-esque escape seems to be the peril in vogue. But does Mr. Krabs… er… The Game Master not know that all of Bollywood can breath underwater? Tch. Tch. Such a shame, no?

Pictured: A typical monday at Film City, Goregaon.

Here are some idiot-proof ideas that Supervillain Inc. can use to challenge unsuspecting heroes and make them accept their grim, Pepsi-less fate…
1. Challenge them not watch the IPL finals. (No, not even repeats).
2. Challenge them to find a hit, Indipop song that is not lifted from an Indonesian one.
3. Challenge them to sit on Facebook the whole day and not take any quizzes, comment on/ ‘like’ any post, join any communities, use FB chat, play any of the ‘…ville’ games and most definitely not poke/ superpoke anyone. Death is imminent, I tell you.
4. Challenge them to staring contest with a mirror. Whoever blinks first, loses.
5. Challenge them to eat raw bhindi with grated worms on top while making them watch a Hindi news channel. The grated worms would eventually be the least of his concerns.
6. Challenge them to a ‘who passes the largest kidney stone, the fastest’ contest.
7. Challenge them to read my blog and not end up deep frying their eyeballs in despair.
8. Challenge them to make people stop trending to #JustinBieber.
9. Challenge them to a lifetime of watching Rick Roll videos over and over again.

There.

P.S: Comment here and your babies will be born fire-proof. Trust me on this one.

Achtung, baby!

There are things that I absolutely despise in the world.
Mediocrity. People who write poems about ‘love’. The umpteenth BMM movie about ‘the fast-paced life in Mumbai’ with the song ‘Bombay Meri jaan’ looping in the background. ‘Guys’ who write poems. ‘Guys’ who read Twilight to show girls their ‘sensitive side’. Faux activism. People who take and post photographs on Facebook every time they go to a fucking mall. Chetan Bhagat fans. People who use forwarded jokes as their blog posts. Chetan Bhagat. Movies starring Akshay Kumar. Akshay Kumar. Brown-nosing teacher’s pets. Every American Pie sequel post the third one and everyone who likes those ball-searingly, godawful movies. People with unimportant/ unfunny/ pseudo-philosophical/ bland/ monosyllabic/ grammatically incorrect status messages and/ or tweets (I mean YOU: “LOL!!! Sleeeepy…gng to beddd”). Chetan Bhagat. People who hug each other for no apparent reason. Cats. Bhindi. Tiny TV/ Nick Jr. Reservations. Japanese Anime. The complete lack of winter in Mumbai. And lastly, Chetan Fucking Bhagat.

Fucking is a very good middle-name. He should consider that.

Thanks to Chetan Bhagat, I now judge people by their affinity towards Chetan Bhagat’s books. That’s a very nice yardstick for one to start a personal apartheid with, if you ask me. His Wikipedia entry, which is obviously written by him states: “His articles are written in simple English to achieve mass appeal.” Of course they are. They are also written in simple English because that’s THE ONLY KIND HE KNOWS.

I know I’m giving this publicity hogzilla more attention through this blog but it had to get it off my chest.

Artist's representation.

I mean he’s such a bad writer – his plots are more simplistic and banal than Samajwadi Party manifestos, his books are less proofread than LOLcats, his tweets are to grammar what the Nithari murders are to kids and his very existence in the literary field is a disaster far worse than any Hello or a Sohail Khan starrer can ever ravage.

The SP unveiling Chetan Bhagat's latest book.

Also, subtlety totally goes out of the door with Chetan Bhagat. Subtlety to this guy means loud covers with bad graphics and large type-fonts.

Now with the ‘3 Idiots’ charade, the Jungian archetype of mediocrity can now have his share of good/ bad/ ugly publicity. His fans, in the meanwhile, will try to evade evolutionary constraints by trying to count till seven.